Reverberations of my thoughts...

I really feel the reality of the world crushing down on me. How you have to really put effort and your life into your job, if you really want to succeed. How easily it is to rise in your workforce and how easily you can be replaced. I'm happy that I'm starting to get a better job title and slowly moving away from cashiering and something I'm actually meant to do.

Replaced...ahahaha. I like I always have the luck in the world...to always be the first to try out everything and for others to leach off the end product. Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother trying? I thought I had something that was valuable and someone I could trust. As a close friend, but even in the end I saw right through it. It makes me think and wonder how really "fair" life is. I have a handful of people who I can say are my friends or close friends. But sometimes, I feel like that amount gets smaller and it scares me how really alone I am in this world.

I'd wish Howard would have more time to spend with me, but he's busily studying away at his work...and it just feels like him going to Stuy and I'm attending LaG again. Instead of having the convience of my friends to be with me, I'm toiling away at work and with my free time..what do I do? Sleep and work some more. And if I'm up to sacraficing my sleep, I'll play Halo with my clan.

I feel like when you give 100% of your time to making sure someone is okay and that'd they'd repay you back for it and treat you the same way. That's wrong. Like how  I treated someone to soup when he as sick and after that he was infactuated with me because I was conviently single. But, when I got back with Howard, his niceness and his immediate response was gone. I feel that even though I listen to how everyone feels and try to cheer them up...in the end...sometimes what about me?

When does that chance happen when they catch me when I fall?

Because I'm falling right now.

I've been pretty busy to not blog...and even when I am hyped up to, I soon forget, because of something that appears yet again. So far I'm going to be tackling some web graphic design projects (paid), which I can't mention, because it's "top secret". Then hopefully to co-sell with Kenny with t-shirts alongside with Howard.

I've been jotting and sketching ideas of designs...and I really need to get a move on the website and creating products. There's also work at Web2Zone from Monday through Wednesday morning shifts. I might be hosting a tournament for Halo 3, but that's still iffy as well. I've been set to do counter work and now creating graphics for Web2Zone, which is a huuugeee plus. Some more stuff to add to my growing portfolio.

Howard and I have been working hard to get Bunnie into her new large cage...but we have to first tackle all the problems with the new cage. We need a pee guard that would protect her pee from coming out of the cage...and also since there is a large sliding tray...we came up with the idea of using cat litter.  I never knew cat litter was so cool. It would soak in piss or poop...and keep it clumped so you can take it out and refill it. That's really efficient.

I'm also going to have 2 phones by Aug 31 or even earlier. I would still have my old phone number with Verizon and a T-Mobile phone that'd have unlimited texting, etc. This way I can't go over my minutes with my Verizon family plan. I'll use my T-mobile strictly for texting and talking to pple who have the t-mobile to t-mobile feature.

I'm also hopefully going to get my DSLR soon. =] I want to take fabulous model photos and artistic photos as well. I don't think normal cameras can do it anymore. It's fine to point and shoot for everyday fun-ness. But what about doing business...like selling t-shirts....? I'm sure it's time to step up the plate.

One things for sure in life, everything costs money. It's quite hard to keep a lifestyle being a struggling artist. But with enough hope and faith. I'm sure things will soon change.

I'm going to be changing my blog, so stay tuned and hopefully you'll all revert to the new one. It'll have to do more about creating t-shirts and also about myself. It's more like a self promotion kind of thing...like how Tila Tequila...Leah Dizon got famous...along side with more video blogs on youtube.

Wish me luck! <3

By the way, meeting new people sometimes means breaking many hearts. How do people crush on people so easily?

MEOW MEOW!!!!!! ;D

I've never had such a wonderful summer...that's actually full of peace. My walls have collapsed. I don't have to glue my smile and constantly think about what to do and say. No planning, no forcing myself into conversation, and just focusing on taking care of my baby...Bunnie and enjoying the summer breeze with Howard. All these years we've yelled, fought, slept, dyed each others hairs, shared our most inner secrets, exposed our true selves, cried, watched, distance, cuddled...we've grown so comfy with each other. I feel like I've grown up with him my whole life. I don't need to wake up and brush my hair, put on make up, and just roll out of my PJs and run downstairs and happily greet him. I don't feel like I'm being judged. I know he doesn't look at me the same as everyone else. Not with Lust, not with anything but just me.

I don't have to think about what to say. The silences that we have are so natural. It's not because of boredom, but simply a state of understanding. We could read without distracting one another....watch any show together...etc. Bunnie has been more active...and yesterday we brought her outside to run around in the back yard. She seems to love ripping newspaper in the dog house though. =\

Howard and I are going to finally start our task of designing clothes. We're progressing well and I hope to succeed.

You know, I thought long and hard (no not that way!) but what would be my favorite thing out of the day to do is probably to sleep and wake up next to someone I love. It's the best feeling in the world. I think for someone to sleep with you allowing their guard to be let down is a trust between one another to do the same. I like waking up to Bunnie...lol...I would hold her and sleep for a little and wake up...and open my eyes to her staring at me. ;DDDD

http://wcbstv.com/technology/ny.internet.tax.2.707820.html

OMFG! I'm petty upset about this. They want tax shit that comes into NYC...especially Amazon. It's not their fault they're not located in NYC...and shipping it all the way here. Then maybe the retailers here should make their prices nice and low. ;DDDD

I've been shopping a LOT. =[ Oh no!!!

Cristen...I'm sry for like spoiling it...I thought you'd watch it by now!!! =[ Nooo I think Chrystina looks better...lol not that Natalie isn't any prettier...but I don't know I get drawn to her more. ;D

Watching Girlicious series...I'm so happy! I LOVE CHRYSTINA. She's so hot. =] She's part asian!





I LOVE THIS SONNNNNNNNG and VIDEO!!!!!!

I really really can't wait for summer to come. I want to hit the beaches and work out moreeee. =]

AlyMew

School has been such a let down.  I feel so unchallenged. The challenge I feel is when the teachers expect their students to learn everything on their own. It's like I had to find the stick and stone myself to build a fire. I feel bad for the people who don't know jack shit what they're doing completely. What I most dislike is the fact that my professors compare the newly graduated high school students to the well established people who are 5-10 years older than we are. I know I can be good, but no way in hell would i have the experience input like they would. Maybe pretty darn close, but not precisely.

I really can't wait to break loose from my major. It's been hectic, and I'm pretty sure I'll just end up with a decent portfolio and a piece of paper that says I've graduated. I think is funny is that I do more work not in class then in class. My teachers end up just talking and telling us all to compare eachothers artworks, while we could be doing work. I'm happy to see other people's artwork, but not when it takes up 3 hours of the whole entire class.

Yes yes...Anime Boston? What can I say? "Shit happens!" as Lyndon would say. It does...and I ended up at home with 4 Mike's Hard and 2 different flavors of Smirnoff. Kevin ended up throwing his guts up...and it was kind of laid back compared to last year. I'm glad that there are people watching out for me. I've learned one thing is not to let your guard down or you'll be humped. To top it off, I'm sick from the lack of sleep.  Also pawning in Halo is gratifying especially when you're against 7 other people...and you're the only girl. "Who the hell is MUSTARD!!!! You should have died!!!" LOL And it turns out to be this cute school girl. LOL ;DDDD Hopefully my side quest to be one of the top female MLG players would come soon?

I'd like to point out how much I never really soaked in the fact that I'm surrounded by such famous players of the MLG world. I was stalked by Korean DJ last year, and he turns out to be this famous (and still famous now in Brawl) in Smash...top players. I've seen PC Chris...and Ninja Link & D1 who sneak into FIT are top ranking nationally and Moose is also top ranked as well....It's so funny...and Jeff & Jay being 4th worldly ranked in doubles in Smash. Weird...so weird. I never really fully embraced it, because I see them so much. LOL

Avenue Q was as SPECTACULAR AND HILARIOUS as they would say. =] Thank you Stevie wonder for getting them tickets. OMFG!!!!! It was beautiful. I loved every moment of it. They deserved every penny I spent on it. I'd even watch it again for the hell of it.

I still need a job. I don't know what will come in my way, but I've been thinking of working on seriously making lolita dresses or screen printing some actually good designs. Hnn...we'll see how things are.

Working out for the summer! =] I want to be looking good for the beach. I might be going to Germany, Poland, and Austria for summer vacation...but that's maybe. If I get the internship at Pink I'd definately blow off that. ;DDDDDDDD

I haven't written here in ages and pretty much proud of it.  As of now I'm praying that I can get a job through a friend of a friend from LIVE on Halo. LOL Moosey Moose's friend JayKilla (actually real name Jeff) works at Web 2 Zone (http://www.web2zone.com/index.html). It's a internet cafe and game cafe. You basically rent out space with a console to play with  your friends and also there are tournaments held there. Sounds like a sweet job since he's going to recommend Mike, Moose, and I. I really need a job.

Apprently Victoria's Secret: PINK is offering internships..for college students who are majoring in certain fields. You also have to be in that major...and apparently they have visual displayyyy....!!! OMFG! I hope they choose me...that would be a really good thing to put in my resume.

My portfolio class is interesting...it's make me build up my confidence a bit...and making me actually look for my freakin work...lost among the forest in my room....god knows where they are...T______T

I'm steadily working out and finding myself feeling more energetic. Volley ball every thursday is refreshing....I want to get better and become uppper body stronger. =[ I can't do push ups.

Hnn...and I'm finally a Star with a bar rank 30 in Halo...lol yay!

I think it's been great being single and being friends with everyone. I really want to focus on building my career at this point.

The break was a bit of a stress reliever. My dad drove over with boxes for me to put my clothes in. LOL His van was full and my dad was like WTF! He thought I had taken most of it during my other visits. LOLOLOL!!!!

I mean there are a few things I left which were just jackets. I saw Bunnie once again. She's so cuuuteee!!! Her fur got lighter and softer. I'm glad she still remembers me...but I wish I could take her back in.  Glad that Howard has been taking care of her, I just wish I had more access to her, because I'm sure he's too busy with work to even hold her while doing his work.

I'm SO HAPPY that we all got the things we wanted from Black Friday. The Sharp HDTV sitting on my drawer is a fabulous investment, I just wish I could use it more often...although homework poses distracts me from using it. LOL

AND OMFG!!!! Friggin XBOX LIVE is a drug...it's like weed...once you smoke that shit, you can't turn back. I know if I say "I'll play one game" ...it turns into many...TOO MANY.

T______T

I'm glad I got sucked back into playing games...and I'm planning to finish up Kingdom Hearts 2...or at least even START....lol.

Halo 3 has been just something that's distracted me from other things. I know it's something bad...ignorant a bit? Sometimes I just don't want to bother with things anymore. I'm letting things flop, grow however they want. 

As you can see...I'm not proud to say...I'm not orangey no more. =[

I'm red, brown (dark). I'm planning dye my hair jet black next. I guess during the winter I'll live with "darkness". When spring slowly comes, the sun will come back and lighten our lives again. So will my hair. =D

My project runway 3 has shipped! Come to me!!! ;DDD

I don't know why
You want to follow me tonight
When in the rest of the world
With you whom I've crossed and I've quarreled
Let's me down so
For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

8th and Ocean Drive
With all the vampires and their brides
We're all bloodless and blind
And longing for a life
Beyond the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street

Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

So far away – so outer space
I've trashed myself – I've lost my way
I've got to get to you got to get to you

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street yeah
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon
(lalalala till end)
Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry
I'm standing in the street
Crying out for you
No one sees me
But the silver moon

Tired of Being Sorry - Enrique Inglesias
     DOWNLOAD IT! ;D I set this up since I love it so much.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/nlwpa4

There's always that one thing you feel. You're in between things. Not sure if you should buy a game or a bag. I feel that all the time about life. Should you go for it or should you not. The sad part is that I trip and fall into it and go through with it. It's one of those things where if you started it might as well finish it. It's like waking up to find out your late for class...why bother going if you're late? Go back to sleep and just miss it. You've missed half of it already.

It goes along like that. I've been feeling like that guy from Hana-Kimi who foresaw the future. I've been predicting some things, and they've been coming true whether or not I like it. My assumptions are right and my guesses are too.  I should work the kinks out to win the lottery or even get the multiple choices correct on a test. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Another thing I have to address.  LOL I’ve getting a lot of “wow you’re pretty okay for getting off of a breakup.” Well I have one major point to make.

We’re:

a)    Really good friends
b)    I haven’t thrown away my flower to someone who I will regret.
c)    I love bunnies

I’m not sure about c. But it’s true that you can tell that girls have had sex with their ex when they are hung over them for a while…and very hard.

I’m sure it’s hard to refrain from sex, but it sometimes does get in the way of a relationship when I see it from other friend’s relationship. It either consumes the relationship or becomes some daily activity.

I know it expresses love and such, but it’s not necessarily that important until you’re sure that you’re going to be married?

If the guy loves you enough, he’d sit through the wait and not ask for it.  If he can’t wait, does he love you?

If he can easily think about and say that he can do it with some other girl, why should you feel threatened? You should feel glad he said that, because you’ve found out he’s been wasting your goddamn time with a guy who can easily throw you away.

Hnnn I got carried away.

I do respect those who have done it already, but if you think it wasn’t a mistake, that’s good. If you think it was, then don’t do it again. Learn.

You know what’s funny. The pervy and outgoing you are the less likely you’re like that. It’s like talking big. The people who I’ve know who are iffed out about those pervy things or look innocent…are the most less innocent.

It’s a funny juxtaposition.

David is half heartedly right. I’ve seen it happen too. He’s brought up a good point I have to say. So good that I will mention him. LOL his voice has finally reached here.

“ You can never be best friends with the opposite sex without having something lovey dovey.”

He meant in such a way that someone will feel something for the other. It’s just the other that has to agree on the same feeling. I’ve had several best friends who were the opposite sex and that’s the case that has happened. David’s given me plenty good examples himself.

I guess things do happen when you’re this close to someone, but what I hate is that…I know it’s not a good idea to mess up the friendship.

Once you cross that borderline…you pretty much can’t go back to normal. I don’t want to have that to happen ever.

You know what’s funny. How girls get mad at one another over some guy when they should be clawing at the guy. I hate things like that. It’s been a bleak tale to have to have a guy get inbetween friendship.

Being single isn’t that bad. Of course there are so many benefits, but the negative stuff…even the minor stuff outweigh the good stuff.

Being lonely and that lingering feeling of warmth around you kills me. I’m trying to deal with it, but I’m not desperate enough to go ask someone random to cuddle or hug me. That’s for sure.

~ Alymew

P.S. A very random entry. =] Enjoy?

I wish the weekend would last longer and the guest meals. I think we (Simon, Arielle, Mike, and I) ass raped all of Steve's and Shelly's guest meals.

From the moment we got off the stuffy bus to be surprised that Shelly was there waiting for us the adventure began. It started out with a fire drill to welcome us NYCers into Boston to find how cold the weather was. =] I think we made the best of it. It was over someone burning food, which I find hysterical. I apparently took Mikey crack which I paid 50$ for and danced for everyone's entertainment with Mike on his on shit...the Soulja Boy dance. ;DDD We made a fool of ourselves, but I felt never happier then ever. I was with people who I was able to relax and be myself with.

Mike and I were cut off exactly after Simon & Arielle were let back into the building. T___T DAMN! The BU food was amazing compared to FIT food and other foods as well. Even though it hurricaned all day long we still all managed to make it out alive to see the hockey game for BU! =] OMFG I never thought hockey would be that exciting in person. I think most sports, you'd get into it if you were there in person. I love swimming, gymnastics, speed skating, ice skating, snowboarding, and most of the olympic sports to watch. I'm glad that Boston won. It was such a great game to watch since they weren't doing so well in the beginning and turned their luck around as the fought their way back up with winning by 6 goals!!!! What I enjoyed was sleeping with everyone. LOL especially on the first day when Steve shared his blanket with Mike and I...for the first time in a while, I felt warm again.

Shelly and Steve are wonderful hostees! Too bad we couldn't stay any longer. =[

I think the 5 hour trip to BU to visit our beloved Steve and Shelly is nothing. Being able to spend time with the people who matter is.

~ AlyMew

P.S. I'm changing constantly and I'm doing what I want constantly. It's about time when I step up in my life and be happy myself.

IS there ever a right time to move on? Is it weird that people can love someone and break up and then love another person? Then doesn't that mean we can love everyone...hence that's why people have affairs?

Why is it getting so cold....T___T I want the warm weather to stay...and I still have to transfer my clothes...and stufff......


BOSTON!!!! WOOOO!!!!!


I'm almost done with my shit!!!!!!!

~ Sally

P.S. Just wanted to get that out LOL

Aarrgh!!! This fucken project really has taken a toll out of my brain. I've been stressing about this non existant project. It's for the PAVE contest for the sponsor...Sony. Wow. Because of this, I'm going to go on a mini Sony ban. LOL!!!! I'm going to go wild as soon as this peice of shit is done.

What I'm really looking forward to this week is going to Boston with Simon, Mike, and Arielle. Thankfully Shelly and Steve are willing to cut a piece of their lives out to let us sleep over and play with them. OMFG!! HALOOO!!!! CRANIUM WOW....lol I'm going to bring it! I'm so excited at the same time, but sad that it means I have to seriously finish this piece of crap before Friday happens. It's not that I must, I have no choice. LOL

It's getting colder and my clothes aren't getting warmer because they're still at Howard. Because of Pave, I haven't gotten the chance to go shopping for a closet or anything. RAWR!

My little to nothing money is dwindling..and I'm glad I have enough stash for the 250$ for megan and 32$ for Shelly! =]

I really need to get that Aero job or something else. Although I'm not thrilled at the idea of working. LOL

~ AlyMew

P.S. I wonder, do things always just work on in life, or do YOU make it work out?

I've finally decided what I'm going to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be stressed out by 4rth semester after I finish my major. I won't be getting my Associates degree until I'm done with my academics. I'm figuring I'll take a year off by taking my liberals at FIT during fall through spring and taking all my freaking courses and some extra ones to make myself a full time student.

I'm sure with this I can get a job (hopefully in graphic design or even in designing windows!) and work on a portfolio. And if I dont quite make it...like get a really good job, I'll go back and apply for a Bachelors in Graphic Design. =]

I'm not sure about the path I'm taking. But I think it's the best way to function. I don't want to be taking art classes and worrying about my academics. I've taken 10 classes in total before with my block....and that was not FUN for a year. It was crazy and my grades went up and down.

I hope I finish PAVE soon...I seriously need to drink a Hard Lemonade after this semester is over.

~ Sally

P.S. Damn it...I need to work soon...paying off my bills and scrounging for $250 by next Friday means i will have close to nothing in my bank. =] I'm just glad my parents have been giving me 20$ a week.

As much as I wish I can open my mouth to tell him I just want to be with him only away from everyone else. The words won't come out. When he was mad and wanted to leave, I wanted to reach for his arm to get him stay. These are all very "selfish". If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have left only because he was sad. When he's not here anymore, I feel like I'm nobody and my heart starts aching. Sometimes I wonder, why do I want to be with him again so badly? What makes me feel this way? I feel like I'm so weak and sometimes I wish I could be stronger.

You are fine
You are sweet
But I'm still a bit naive with my heart
When you're close I don't breathe
I can't find the words to speak
I feel sparks

But I don't wanna be into you
If you're not looking for true love, oh oh
No I don't wanna start seeing you
If I can't be your only one

So tell me when it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)
Say Ok.

When you call I don't know if I should pick up the phone every time
I'm not like all my friends who keep calling up the boys, I'm so shy
But I don't wanna be into you
If you don't treat me the right way
See I can only start seeing you
If you can make my heart feel safe (feel safe)

When it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok
Don't run away, don't run away)

Let me know if it's gonna be you
Boy, you've got some things to prove
Let me know that you'll keep me safe
I don't want you to run away so
Let me know that you'll call on time
Let me know that you won't be shy

Will you wipe my tears away
Will you hold me closer
When it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)
Say OK
(Don't run away, don't run away)
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok, don't run away)
Will you say OK
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)

Say Okay - Vanessa Hudgens

Every waking second I live, I feel that things are changing rapidly. The moment I open my eyes to find my phone ringing. Finding the sun up its usual location up in the sky. The gust of how the train pulls in and the rush of people coming in and out. When you loose your breath, life moves on. I find it scary how easily I can loose track of time. How days are off balanced and that time is finding itself quickly escaping my hands as if I was holding water.

I'm not sure how I'm progressing myself. I have plenty of projects to do and no matter what I can't seem to muster the strength to do it. There's so much I want to do, yet it feels like theres no time. =\

I'm ashamed of how I feel. I know I should be strong and be independent and be happy that I'm single. In fact, I feel like I've lost my backbone or that scarf that I've been wrapped in to keep myself warm. I feel so cold not knowing there's someone that I can run to and be with. It's not like I want someone for the sake of having someone. I want to find my soul mate. =[

I'm starting to find myself through all the pain.

P.S. T__T I'm upset that I'm starting to cramp....need to go to the gym this weekend with Lyndon & Mike....gonna feel crappy that day.

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

Avril Lavigne - Innocence

"You're so selfish!"

It was the only thing that really pierced me when he said it. I met up with Howard today at exactly 7pm so I can pick up my Yukata for the Anime Club back sale on Thursday. He told me if I was late by a few minutes he'd leave. I made sure I was there on time and it was very very awkward to see him again.

He was slouching back in his black tribal hoodie of his with tired eyes. Skin pale as usual and instead of his eyes lighting up when he saw me the last time, it lay dead.

"When ever I see you, no matter what mood I'm in, I'll be always happy to see you."

Things were different. We waited for the train on 8th street without any word said. Standing side to side, I felt like we were strangers.  When the train finally pulled up we got in and sat down together.  Finally after a few minutes we started to talk a little and mentioned what I asked of him so we could be even. I asked if he could meet me up at 42nd street, because it would be the middle ground for the both of us.

"You're so selfish"

That's where that line came from. It rung in my ears, my head, my body. I couldn't believe he could say something to me like that. I was "selfish", because only the almighty Howard has a lot of work to do and must get home on time.

Even going to his house, seeing my picture and Bunnie's sitting on his little desk near his bed made me sad. It was something of the past, and I know that it's not as meaningful to him anymore. We're not going to be a happy family anymore. As weird as we are, I know we both feel something towards each other. The relationship we had wouldn't be erased from our minds. I miss Howard for the positive things he did. What really does make me happy was that he, by himself was willing to put me first...and sacrifice having no close friends and stuff. He'd take out the time....any time to talk to me when I needed to.

I was really happy to see Bunnie again, she in a way knew something was up already. She nipped at me playfully and stayed still...what's really interested was when Howard started to tear she jumped over to him. Using her fur, she wiped his tears. He was sad that we couldn't work things out. I know I miss what we had...minus all the arguments and things that have happened in the past. I know I have to let it go. It takes time right?

I packed in my Yukata and two Naketano shirts in a bag and took pictures with Bunnie for a while. I realize just really how much shit I've been storing in Howard's house. DAMN! I have to stop buying things. I will.

What I really miss is the fact that if I really needed to run somewhere, or go to somewhere, I could easily just go over to his house and talk.

I feel like I want to move on but at the same time not. My heart's at a knot....

Love...love...love...during that train ride...I felt my heart break into a million pieces when Howard lectured me about relationships. How things never work out....

I don't like not having someone to really be able to trust and to confide in. That person to be there to hold me and comfort me. To tell me that everything is okay. I want to have someone to comfort. I want to be able to run to that person...to know that seriously they'll be literally there for me.

Is that asking too much or am I just being "selfish"?

~ AlyMew

P.S. One thing's for sure. I've learned to go by the fact that we seriously do have "one shot" in our life. If a chance comes by and you feel like you should take it, then take it. Don't live your life regretting it for whatever reasons. Just do it and listen to what your heart says. As long as it makes yourself happy.

It’s funny how things can change within a day. One minute I could be sketching an idea for a window, and the next minute I find myself in the store working on the mannequin. I’m saddened how bored I get at things or how I have no motivation do work sometimes. At first I’d wake up on the weekend upbeat to work on my project to find myself still awake at 12am watching some TV shows I’ve missed.

I’ve been realizing now, I have to move all my crap from Howard’s place. I wish I can take Bunnie, but I can’t. My mom won’t let her live upstairs and only in the basement. I’m glad Howard’s going to take good care of her. I just wish he’d hold her as much as possible like I did when she was living at my house. I MISS MY BABY!!! I have so much clothes and shoes stored in Howard’s place it’s not even funny. I wonder how the Wii is going to done….

You know what’s funny, I miss being able to freely go over to Howard’s just to hang out. It was somewhere to run to and relax. =\ We still have to finish so many dramas…at this rate I don’t know if he would want to. As much as Howard says I have no time for him, in actually he doesn’t have time for me either. I don’t think I have feeling feelings for him, but just caring feeling towards him. I just want to make sure he’s okay and that he’s not sad. =\ I’m not sure about my feelings towards him anymore. It’s mushed up.

I’m just really thankful that I have someone to be happy with.