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On My Mind

Nov. 11th, 2007 | 12:40 am

There's always that one thing you feel. You're in between things. Not sure if you should buy a game or a bag. I feel that all the time about life. Should you go for it or should you not. The sad part is that I trip and fall into it and go through with it. It's one of those things where if you started it might as well finish it. It's like waking up to find out your late for class...why bother going if you're late? Go back to sleep and just miss it. You've missed half of it already.

It goes along like that. I've been feeling like that guy from Hana-Kimi who foresaw the future. I've been predicting some things, and they've been coming true whether or not I like it. My assumptions are right and my guesses are too.  I should work the kinks out to win the lottery or even get the multiple choices correct on a test. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Another thing I have to address.  LOL I’ve getting a lot of “wow you’re pretty okay for getting off of a breakup.” Well I have one major point to make.

We’re:

a)    Really good friends
b)    I haven’t thrown away my flower to someone who I will regret.
c)    I love bunnies

I’m not sure about c. But it’s true that you can tell that girls have had sex with their ex when they are hung over them for a while…and very hard.

I’m sure it’s hard to refrain from sex, but it sometimes does get in the way of a relationship when I see it from other friend’s relationship. It either consumes the relationship or becomes some daily activity.

I know it expresses love and such, but it’s not necessarily that important until you’re sure that you’re going to be married?

If the guy loves you enough, he’d sit through the wait and not ask for it.  If he can’t wait, does he love you?

If he can easily think about and say that he can do it with some other girl, why should you feel threatened? You should feel glad he said that, because you’ve found out he’s been wasting your goddamn time with a guy who can easily throw you away.

Hnnn I got carried away.

I do respect those who have done it already, but if you think it wasn’t a mistake, that’s good. If you think it was, then don’t do it again. Learn.

You know what’s funny. The pervy and outgoing you are the less likely you’re like that. It’s like talking big. The people who I’ve know who are iffed out about those pervy things or look innocent…are the most less innocent.

It’s a funny juxtaposition.

David is half heartedly right. I’ve seen it happen too. He’s brought up a good point I have to say. So good that I will mention him. LOL his voice has finally reached here.

“ You can never be best friends with the opposite sex without having something lovey dovey.”

He meant in such a way that someone will feel something for the other. It’s just the other that has to agree on the same feeling. I’ve had several best friends who were the opposite sex and that’s the case that has happened. David’s given me plenty good examples himself.

I guess things do happen when you’re this close to someone, but what I hate is that…I know it’s not a good idea to mess up the friendship.

Once you cross that borderline…you pretty much can’t go back to normal. I don’t want to have that to happen ever.

You know what’s funny. How girls get mad at one another over some guy when they should be clawing at the guy. I hate things like that. It’s been a bleak tale to have to have a guy get inbetween friendship.

Being single isn’t that bad. Of course there are so many benefits, but the negative stuff…even the minor stuff outweigh the good stuff.

Being lonely and that lingering feeling of warmth around you kills me. I’m trying to deal with it, but I’m not desperate enough to go ask someone random to cuddle or hug me. That’s for sure.

~ Alymew

P.S. A very random entry. =] Enjoy?

Adventures in Boston <3

Nov. 4th, 2007 | 11:15 pm

I wish the weekend would last longer and the guest meals. I think we (Simon, Arielle, Mike, and I) ass raped all of Steve's and Shelly's guest meals.

From the moment we got off the stuffy bus to be surprised that Shelly was there waiting for us the adventure began. It started out with a fire drill to welcome us NYCers into Boston to find how cold the weather was. =] I think we made the best of it. It was over someone burning food, which I find hysterical. I apparently took Mikey crack which I paid 50$ for and danced for everyone's entertainment with Mike on his on shit...the Soulja Boy dance. ;DDD We made a fool of ourselves, but I felt never happier then ever. I was with people who I was able to relax and be myself with.

Mike and I were cut off exactly after Simon & Arielle were let back into the building. T___T DAMN! The BU food was amazing compared to FIT food and other foods as well. Even though it hurricaned all day long we still all managed to make it out alive to see the hockey game for BU! =] OMFG I never thought hockey would be that exciting in person. I think most sports, you'd get into it if you were there in person. I love swimming, gymnastics, speed skating, ice skating, snowboarding, and most of the olympic sports to watch. I'm glad that Boston won. It was such a great game to watch since they weren't doing so well in the beginning and turned their luck around as the fought their way back up with winning by 6 goals!!!! What I enjoyed was sleeping with everyone. LOL especially on the first day when Steve shared his blanket with Mike and I...for the first time in a while, I felt warm again.

Shelly and Steve are wonderful hostees! Too bad we couldn't stay any longer. =[

I think the 5 hour trip to BU to visit our beloved Steve and Shelly is nothing. Being able to spend time with the people who matter is.

~ AlyMew

P.S. I'm changing constantly and I'm doing what I want constantly. It's about time when I step up in my life and be happy myself.

Moving On...

Oct. 30th, 2007 | 04:34 am

IS there ever a right time to move on? Is it weird that people can love someone and break up and then love another person? Then doesn't that mean we can love everyone...hence that's why people have affairs?

Why is it getting so cold....T___T I want the warm weather to stay...and I still have to transfer my clothes...and stufff......


BOSTON!!!! WOOOO!!!!!


I'm almost done with my shit!!!!!!!

~ Sally

P.S. Just wanted to get that out LOL

The Clock Keeps Ticking...

Oct. 29th, 2007 | 02:41 am

Aarrgh!!! This fucken project really has taken a toll out of my brain. I've been stressing about this non existant project. It's for the PAVE contest for the sponsor...Sony. Wow. Because of this, I'm going to go on a mini Sony ban. LOL!!!! I'm going to go wild as soon as this peice of shit is done.

What I'm really looking forward to this week is going to Boston with Simon, Mike, and Arielle. Thankfully Shelly and Steve are willing to cut a piece of their lives out to let us sleep over and play with them. OMFG!! HALOOO!!!! CRANIUM WOW....lol I'm going to bring it! I'm so excited at the same time, but sad that it means I have to seriously finish this piece of crap before Friday happens. It's not that I must, I have no choice. LOL

It's getting colder and my clothes aren't getting warmer because they're still at Howard. Because of Pave, I haven't gotten the chance to go shopping for a closet or anything. RAWR!

My little to nothing money is dwindling..and I'm glad I have enough stash for the 250$ for megan and 32$ for Shelly! =]

I really need to get that Aero job or something else. Although I'm not thrilled at the idea of working. LOL

~ AlyMew

P.S. I wonder, do things always just work on in life, or do YOU make it work out?

College

Oct. 25th, 2007 | 04:04 pm

I've finally decided what I'm going to do. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be stressed out by 4rth semester after I finish my major. I won't be getting my Associates degree until I'm done with my academics. I'm figuring I'll take a year off by taking my liberals at FIT during fall through spring and taking all my freaking courses and some extra ones to make myself a full time student.

I'm sure with this I can get a job (hopefully in graphic design or even in designing windows!) and work on a portfolio. And if I dont quite make it...like get a really good job, I'll go back and apply for a Bachelors in Graphic Design. =]

I'm not sure about the path I'm taking. But I think it's the best way to function. I don't want to be taking art classes and worrying about my academics. I've taken 10 classes in total before with my block....and that was not FUN for a year. It was crazy and my grades went up and down.

I hope I finish PAVE soon...I seriously need to drink a Hard Lemonade after this semester is over.

~ Sally

P.S. Damn it...I need to work soon...paying off my bills and scrounging for $250 by next Friday means i will have close to nothing in my bank. =] I'm just glad my parents have been giving me 20$ a week.

I wish...

Oct. 22nd, 2007 | 01:54 am

As much as I wish I can open my mouth to tell him I just want to be with him only away from everyone else. The words won't come out. When he was mad and wanted to leave, I wanted to reach for his arm to get him stay. These are all very "selfish". If he really cared about me, he wouldn't have left only because he was sad. When he's not here anymore, I feel like I'm nobody and my heart starts aching. Sometimes I wonder, why do I want to be with him again so badly? What makes me feel this way? I feel like I'm so weak and sometimes I wish I could be stronger.

You are fine
You are sweet
But I'm still a bit naive with my heart
When you're close I don't breathe
I can't find the words to speak
I feel sparks

But I don't wanna be into you
If you're not looking for true love, oh oh
No I don't wanna start seeing you
If I can't be your only one

So tell me when it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)
Say Ok.

When you call I don't know if I should pick up the phone every time
I'm not like all my friends who keep calling up the boys, I'm so shy
But I don't wanna be into you
If you don't treat me the right way
See I can only start seeing you
If you can make my heart feel safe (feel safe)

When it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better?
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok
Don't run away, don't run away)

Let me know if it's gonna be you
Boy, you've got some things to prove
Let me know that you'll keep me safe
I don't want you to run away so
Let me know that you'll call on time
Let me know that you won't be shy

Will you wipe my tears away
Will you hold me closer
When it's not alright
When it's not ok
Will you try to make me feel better
Will you say alright? (say alright)
Will you say ok? (Say ok)
Will you stick with me through whatever?
Or run away
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)
Say OK
(Don't run away, don't run away)
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok, don't run away)
Will you say OK
(Say that it's gonna be alright. That it's gonna be ok)
Say Okay - Vanessa Hudgens

Putting Back Wings

Oct. 21st, 2007 | 03:35 am

Even though I thought I couldn't fly without my wings after it 
was clipped when I was released. Someone gave them back. I'm
holding my head up high and spreading my wings....I'm finding
myself flying onward.

~ AlyMew

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


Because of You ~ Kelly Clarkson

Time

Oct. 18th, 2007 | 02:08 am

Every waking second I live, I feel that things are changing rapidly. The moment I open my eyes to find my phone ringing. Finding the sun up its usual location up in the sky. The gust of how the train pulls in and the rush of people coming in and out. When you loose your breath, life moves on. I find it scary how easily I can loose track of time. How days are off balanced and that time is finding itself quickly escaping my hands as if I was holding water.

I'm not sure how I'm progressing myself. I have plenty of projects to do and no matter what I can't seem to muster the strength to do it. There's so much I want to do, yet it feels like theres no time. =\

I'm ashamed of how I feel. I know I should be strong and be independent and be happy that I'm single. In fact, I feel like I've lost my backbone or that scarf that I've been wrapped in to keep myself warm. I feel so cold not knowing there's someone that I can run to and be with. It's not like I want someone for the sake of having someone. I want to find my soul mate. =[

I'm starting to find myself through all the pain.

P.S. T__T I'm upset that I'm starting to cramp....need to go to the gym this weekend with Lyndon & Mike....gonna feel crappy that day.

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by


Avril Lavigne - Innocence

You're Selfish

Oct. 17th, 2007 | 12:50 am

"You're so selfish!"

It was the only thing that really pierced me when he said it. I met up with Howard today at exactly 7pm so I can pick up my Yukata for the Anime Club back sale on Thursday. He told me if I was late by a few minutes he'd leave. I made sure I was there on time and it was very very awkward to see him again.

He was slouching back in his black tribal hoodie of his with tired eyes. Skin pale as usual and instead of his eyes lighting up when he saw me the last time, it lay dead.

"When ever I see you, no matter what mood I'm in, I'll be always happy to see you."

Things were different. We waited for the train on 8th street without any word said. Standing side to side, I felt like we were strangers.  When the train finally pulled up we got in and sat down together.  Finally after a few minutes we started to talk a little and mentioned what I asked of him so we could be even. I asked if he could meet me up at 42nd street, because it would be the middle ground for the both of us.

"You're so selfish"

That's where that line came from. It rung in my ears, my head, my body. I couldn't believe he could say something to me like that. I was "selfish", because only the almighty Howard has a lot of work to do and must get home on time.

Even going to his house, seeing my picture and Bunnie's sitting on his little desk near his bed made me sad. It was something of the past, and I know that it's not as meaningful to him anymore. We're not going to be a happy family anymore. As weird as we are, I know we both feel something towards each other. The relationship we had wouldn't be erased from our minds. I miss Howard for the positive things he did. What really does make me happy was that he, by himself was willing to put me first...and sacrifice having no close friends and stuff. He'd take out the time....any time to talk to me when I needed to.

I was really happy to see Bunnie again, she in a way knew something was up already. She nipped at me playfully and stayed still...what's really interested was when Howard started to tear she jumped over to him. Using her fur, she wiped his tears. He was sad that we couldn't work things out. I know I miss what we had...minus all the arguments and things that have happened in the past. I know I have to let it go. It takes time right?

I packed in my Yukata and two Naketano shirts in a bag and took pictures with Bunnie for a while. I realize just really how much shit I've been storing in Howard's house. DAMN! I have to stop buying things. I will.

What I really miss is the fact that if I really needed to run somewhere, or go to somewhere, I could easily just go over to his house and talk.

I feel like I want to move on but at the same time not. My heart's at a knot....

Love...love...love...during that train ride...I felt my heart break into a million pieces when Howard lectured me about relationships. How things never work out....

I don't like not having someone to really be able to trust and to confide in. That person to be there to hold me and comfort me. To tell me that everything is okay. I want to have someone to comfort. I want to be able to run to that person...to know that seriously they'll be literally there for me.

Is that asking too much or am I just being "selfish"?

~ AlyMew

P.S. One thing's for sure. I've learned to go by the fact that we seriously do have "one shot" in our life. If a chance comes by and you feel like you should take it, then take it. Don't live your life regretting it for whatever reasons. Just do it and listen to what your heart says. As long as it makes yourself happy.

Staring off to space

Oct. 15th, 2007 | 05:41 pm

It’s funny how things can change within a day. One minute I could be sketching an idea for a window, and the next minute I find myself in the store working on the mannequin. I’m saddened how bored I get at things or how I have no motivation do work sometimes. At first I’d wake up on the weekend upbeat to work on my project to find myself still awake at 12am watching some TV shows I’ve missed.

I’ve been realizing now, I have to move all my crap from Howard’s place. I wish I can take Bunnie, but I can’t. My mom won’t let her live upstairs and only in the basement. I’m glad Howard’s going to take good care of her. I just wish he’d hold her as much as possible like I did when she was living at my house. I MISS MY BABY!!! I have so much clothes and shoes stored in Howard’s place it’s not even funny. I wonder how the Wii is going to done….

You know what’s funny, I miss being able to freely go over to Howard’s just to hang out. It was somewhere to run to and relax. =\ We still have to finish so many dramas…at this rate I don’t know if he would want to. As much as Howard says I have no time for him, in actually he doesn’t have time for me either. I don’t think I have feeling feelings for him, but just caring feeling towards him. I just want to make sure he’s okay and that he’s not sad. =\ I’m not sure about my feelings towards him anymore. It’s mushed up.

I’m just really thankful that I have someone to be happy with.